Spam Nuggets

There's an issue that I've been dealing with for some time. Until now I've held my tongue, but I can't keep silent any longer. These so-called "chicken nuggets" are a problem that has to be dealt with. If people think they can get away with giving away nugget-shaped spam and claiming it's chicken, they're wrong. If they think we don't know the difference, they need to get in touch with reality, because they're not fooling anyone. Throughout the years we've just accepted these nuggets that they claim are made of 100% real chicken, realizing, but never stating, the fact that all this time we've been given artificial meat product. It's time to take a stand against this meat madness! This tyranny has to end, and we have the power to stop it.

Here Follows Some Photos upon the Burning of Our House

Lately, it seems, I've been neglecting the visual elements of this blog in favor of the written word. What can compare with the simple joy of looking at a beautiful photograph? Here are a few I've taken for a photography class this semester. Enjoy.

Going Evergreen

Christmas time is upon us again. It's a time of tradition, and what greater tradition do we have than the picking out and decorating of a Christmas tree? It seems that this time of year one can't help seeing Christmas tree lots on nearly every corner filled with rows upon rows of freshly cut pines. One might see these soon-to-be Tannenbaums and wonder why "going green"--society's latest fad-- doesn't apply to these evergreens. But, of course, how can the fate of the planet compare with years of tradition? If thousands upon thousands of trees weren't cut down each year we wouldn't be able to have Christmas. It's easy to see how being eco-friendly pales in comparison. It's one thing to trade plastic shopping bags for reusable cloth versions of the same, or recycle paper goods but these supposed ideals are certainly not worth giving up something so precious as a Christmas tree. We all know that artificial trees can't compare; without the mess or hassle of taking care of a real tree Christmas just wouldn't seem right. Not to mention the fact that they wouldn't be thrown away after a week or two; the holidays wouldn't be the same without pine-scented trash cans. It's obvious why we have to cut down these trees, traditions can't be changed for something as petty as morals and it's certainly worth a little hypocrisy to have the perfect tree.

Letter to the Editor

I thought you might be interested to read a letter I recently sent inveighing against the student-produced newspaper here at Snow College.

The Snowdrift Has Issues
Dear Snowdrift, after reading the past few issues of the paper, I must say that I am appalled at what I've seen. The writing in this paper was utterly detestable. Grammar mistakes that most of us should have learned to correct as children are being made by supposedly educated college students. One would think those who write for the paper would have to submit some sort of writing sample to verify that they know at least elementary school spelling and grammar. How anyone can get such terrible articles printed I can't even imagine. If this was the paper's only problem it might be forgivable; however, these despicable articles are littered with erroneous facts, and incorrect names, thus destroying any credibility it may have had. How can we trust anything we read in a paper that doesn't even bother to confirm simple things like names? Not only this, but the subject matter of the articles in the paper is vapid and meaningless. There have also been multiple articles with almost identical topics--even within the same issue . In short, this execrable paper makes a mockery of not only journalism, but the English language itself.

This letter may seem harsh, but I assure you that nothing said here is undeserved.

Chain of Fools

Today as I read through my Email, I was appalled to discover that someone had sent me a chain letter. I read through the contents of this repugnant letter and heard the story of a girl who was killed by being shoved into a sewer opening. This most abhorrent of communications concluded by threatening me with haunting and a gruesome death if I didn't promptly send it to at least ten other people. I wondered, after wasting my oh so valuable time, why this girl would care enough about an Email, especially one so juvenile, to kill someone for not sending it on to others. If this girl ever did exist and the aforementioned events actually took place, she would probably be ashamed that her name and story were being used for such an imbecilic purpose. Not only this, but the very format of this execrable letter was deliberately arranged to make it difficult to read. I couldn't give enough merit to such a detestable letter to respond (how could anyone?). I'll be sure to let you all know if I suffer a horrible death for it.

Income Tax

I've recently given some thought to my death and what will become of my body thereafter. After considering many options I've decided that what I want most is to be preserved using the exquisite art of taxidermy. As a posthumous fate what could compare to being delicately hacked open, disemboweled, stuffed full of soft, fluffy cotton, and given a pair of beautiful glass eyes? How could one resist the opportunity to sit in a favorite chair, relive a cherished memory, etcetera and be placed in either a nice, private place, or a museum for all to see and admire? I just can't understand why anyone would choose to be buried like a dog buries a bone, with a headstone as their only memorial. I hope that when I die, those who handle my funeral arrangements care enough to use taxidermy.

fair is fowl, and fowl is fair

On a recent photoshoot I was lucky enough to stumble upon something wonderful. This serendipitous event has shown me what is almost certainly nature's greatest achievement: The duck.

These majestic creatures are one of the most amazing things I've ever been lucky enough to behold, surely ducks are the zenith of grace and beauty. The world is a better place because of these magnificent creatures.

Ducks are one of the greatest symbols of freedom and beauty the world has to offer. Ducks truly are unlimited.

Body Worlds

It was but one day ago that I had the opportunity to attend Body Worlds (3). The experience left me with many impressions but the most puissant of these was the story of Horatio, one of the corpses on display. Here is Horatio's story:

Horatio decided to commit suicide in a way no one ever had before; he would rip out his own organs. He took quite a while deciding on a pose but eventually decided to balance on three wooden balls. He had a close friend cut open his back, the friend had agreed to help because of the artistic impact Horatio's suicide would have. His friend lifted the skin of his back and Horatio reached behind him, grabbed his organs and ripped them all out in one neat package. In his last moments of life he hoisted his organs triumphantly above his head and then fell forward into the growing pool of blood.

Horatio has since been put back in his pose and, as previously stated, put on display in Body Worlds.

Playing with matches

I was recently forced to attend a school play. One of my classes requires its students to attend at least one play during the semester. As I watched this so called art I realized that I have an intense and burning hatred for plays. Not only have movies made plays completely obsolete, but the acting always seems disingenuous and the constant need to input unnecessary singing is abhorrent. Add to these egregious atrocities the fact that there can be little to no special effects and unrealistic scenery and you get a monstrous failure in the play as a whole. I would encourage everyone to ostracize plays and rid our society of these abominations forever.

Avalyn

One week ago my older sister had a baby. Birth is a blissful thing that should be celebrated by all.